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What The F*Ck Is Wrong With Me

There is a seed to every flower.

A heart to every human.

Something so deep within every being.

That is who we truly are.

That begs to be seen.

But in most of us, it’s been covered up.

Usually by traumatic experiences.

It could be the bullying you experienced.

The death of a loved one.

The culture you grew up in that you felt never really accepted you.

Whatever it is, these painful experiences covered up your seed.

They buried it deep in sand.

And at some point, you started believing that you were your traumatic experiences.

You began identifying with the bad things that have happened to you.

You confused yourself with everything unfolding externally.

And you forgot that, at your core, you are the seed.

So you neglected watering it.

Until one day you could no longer get out of bed.

You got pissed off at nothing.

You had forgotten how to feel. 

And you asked… What the f*** is wrong with me? 

We all arrive there at some point.

And that’s when we think all hope is lost.

But it’s not.

Because here’s the beautiful part.

The seed never goes away.

Until the day we die, it’s there.

Waiting for us to pay attention.

Waiting for us to shine light and shed water on it.

Once we understand that we are not the bad things that happened to us.

That we have always been this seed.

We can act out of a place of truth.

Of love.

We can make decisions that are right for us because we know who we are.

But first, we must be willing to dive into the difficult. 

To dig deep into the sands of time and uncover what we’ve hidden.

To reveal who we really are.

That is the deepest discomfort we all must seek.


Love,

Matt

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Comments


  • The question, “What the F*** is Wrong With Me?” is one I’ve been all too familiar with in the past, which is usually accompanied by, “What the F*** is Wrong With Them?” because I couldn’t figure out why I felt pain, and misery loves company. With a little discomfort and a whole lot of discipline, though, magical things happen: that sand covering your seed is scooped away, to reveal that little, dimly shimmering light of hope. A light of hope that begins to reveal to answers to your questions. The daily practices of love, discipline, and routine act as your water and your sunlight as the seed begins to blossom into a plant that looks a lot like you. Before you know it, you’re a pretty lovely lily or a badass rose or an impressive cactus. You begin to find your answers and in the meantime, your self. The process and results are different for each of us, but we all have the opportunity to bloom.

    Sydney Conrad on
  • This spoke a lot to me and definitely something I need to work on with myself. Been going through some difficult personal things lately and a good majority of the time I’ll try to make it seem like it’s not that big a deal. People have it worse off then I do but in reality everyone’s struggles are measured differently for each person. If it’s causing you to be depressed and in a bad headspace… Then it’s obviously a big thing to you. So whoever is reading this comment, don’t be afraid to reach out and open up to someone who you trust and know will listen and be there for you. We all are going through something but we bury it around most people and don’t open up and be genuinely, unapologetically, real about how we are. Like we say to ourselves, people don’t have time to listen or want to really hear how I’m doing. Which isn’t always the case. Some people are really good at listening and being there for others. It just takes that “Seeking Discomfort” step to allow that person in and Seek help if you’re struggling on your own.
    And if you’re that person that is always listening and feels like no one really takes the time for you. Seek someone out. It’s your turn to open up and let some of those barriers down so you can work on yourself. Don’t feel bad for taking a turn and being the one who talks. It’s good to be able to just listen but you also need to take care of yourself and allow some help in.

    Like Matt said, “be willing to dive into the difficult, to uncover who we really are.”
    Seek Discomfort because it helps you grow as a person.
    Hopefully this helps someone somewhere.

    Katie on

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